The Misdiagnosis That Lasted a Lifetime: What My Mother’s MS Taught Me About Autism, Women, and the Hidden Epidemic of Undiagnosed Neurodivergence

By David Wetherelt Founder, Like Minds Alliance

When my mother, Mary, was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS) in her thirties, it gave our family an explanation. A label. A story to tell. “Mom has MS,” I’d say when friends asked why she was tired, overwhelmed, or sometimes distant. The diagnosis gave her an identity within a medical system that, at the time, had no language, no protocols, and no understanding for what may have been the deeper truth.

Decades later, armed with hard-earned insights from brilliant geneticists, therapists, and researchers, and my own late-in-life diagnosis of Autism and ADHD, I now believe my mother didn’t have MS. Or, if she did, it wasn’t the defining illness of her life. The truer story is this: my mother was Autistic.

And nobody saw it.

Not the doctors. Not the therapists. Not even her family.

A Story Repeating Itself

This realization isn’t just about my mother anymore. I’m seeing it play out again, right now, in real time.

One of my coaching clients is currently undergoing testing for MS. She’s been navigating a major health system for more than a decade, caught in a carousel of medications, antidepressants, sleep aids, mood stabilizers. She’s tried talk therapy, group therapy, telehealth, wellness groups, and more. Yet her symptoms remain: exhaustion, overwhelm, anxiety, depression, and a feeling she just can’t shake, that something essential about her is being missed.

No one, in all these years, ever asked her if she might be Autistic -- not even me, as I never even would have guessed I was Autistic until weeks before I got an official diagnosis. I literally had to figure it all out though my own efforts in finding studies and expertise.

I’ve known this friend (now, recently, a coaching client) for over a decade. If it was today, within a few conversations, I would be able to tell she was neurodivergent. The signs were unmistakable if you know what to look for. But the medical system didn’t. It still often doesn’t.

When Autism Hides Behind Other Diagnoses

We are living through an epidemic of misdiagnosis. Especially among women. Especially in adulthood.

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), a condition that affects communication, sensory processing, emotional regulation, and social understanding, is increasingly being identified in adults—many of whom spent their entire lives thinking something was “wrong” with them.

According to a 2022 study published in JAMA Network Open, there was a 450% increase in adult autism diagnoses (ages 26–34) between 2011 and 2022. That’s not because Autism is suddenly appearing—it’s because we’re finally learning to recognize it in people who’ve been overlooked for decades.

Most adults who are now discovering they are Autistic have long clinical histories that often include diagnoses like:

• Anxiety

• Depression

• Borderline Personality Disorder

• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

• Bipolar Disorder

• Substance Use Disorder

• Even Multiple Sclerosis

These are real challenges, but they may not be the root cause. They’re often the branches of a tree whose roots are buried in misunderstood neurodivergence, what I like to call neurointensity.

Autism in Women: The Invisible Diagnosis

Autism presents differently in women. It’s more internalized, less obvious. Many autistic women become masterful at masking, a term used to describe the unconscious act of mimicking neurotypical behavior in order to survive social situations.

My mother masked her whole life.

She was the dutiful wife. The loving mother. A neighbor who you could count on. But behind closed doors, the fatigue would set in. The sensory overload. The emotional dysregulation. The need to escape. She carried shame and confusion for her struggles. Her nervous system was constantly overwhelmed.

And because the world had no name for it, they called it something else: MS.

Looking back, it’s so clear. Her father, my grandfather, was Autistic too. Brilliant, eccentric, anxious, and deeply regimented in his routines. This runs in our blood. Now I see it in myself. I see it in my son.

And now I see it in so many others.

Mary Wetherelt in her 30s

A Shift in the Cultural Weather

Dr. Peter Crino, Chair of Neurology at the University of Maryland School of Medicine, recently described how adults often feel when they learn they’re Autistic: “I had one patient tell me, ‘I felt my whole life as though I didn’t get the memo.’” That perfectly captures the silent suffering of so many undiagnosed neurodivergent adults.

The moment of diagnosis isn’t the start of a problem, it’s the start of relief. Of clarity. Of rebuilding.

And yet, for so many, like my client now undergoing MS testing, that moment never comes. Because the system still looks for what's loud, obvious, and fits outdated profiles. Because we’re still stuck in old paradigms.

But I believe we’re at the edge of change.

More and more, adults, especially women, are coming forward. They are questioning old diagnoses. They’re exploring their family trees and seeing patterns. They’re learning that the ways they’ve adapted were actually signs of survival in a world not built for their kind of mind. (I highly recommend this book Divergent Mind: Thriving in a World That Wasn’t Designed for You―A Paradigm-Shifting Study of Women With ADHD, Autism and More

by Jenara Nerenberg).

Like Minds Know

I created Like Minds Alliance because I can now see things that others missed for decades.

I can ask five or so questions and tell whether someone should be screened for Autism. Not because I’m special, but because I’m trained by lived experience. I know the shape of this invisible thread. I’ve walked its path. And I can see who else is walking it too.

I don’t diagnose. I don’t replace doctors. But I do something just as powerful: I see people. I hear them. And I offer a new lens.

What We Need Now

We need more primary care physicians trained to recognize adult neurodivergence. We need therapists and psychiatrists who see past surface symptoms. We need workplaces, schools, and health systems that are not only Autism-aware but Autism-competent. And above all, we need to stop shaming people for “not getting better” when we haven’t even identified what’s wrong.

It’s not that nothing has worked for my client over the last decade. It’s that she’s never been offered the right framework.

And it’s not that my mother failed to thrive. It’s that she was trying to bloom in soil that couldn’t nourish her truth.

A Legacy, Rewritten

My mother died still believing she had MS. But I now carry the deeper story forward: that she was Autistic, radiant, sensitive, and misunderstood. That she survived a world that never saw her clearly.

For my mother, for my son, and for every adult still waiting for the right diagnosis, I will keep telling these stories.

Because once we see the truth, we can’t unsee it. And that changes everything.

If you or someone you know relates to this story, consider speaking to your primary care physician or a local autism center. You may not need a cure—just a name, a lens, and a community that understands.

www.likemindsalliance.org We help people find the truth in their story. ****Update: the client I spoke of doesn't have MS ;)