Why Self-Help Failed Me -- A Journey Beyond the “Better” Trap

By David Wetherelt | Like Minds Alliance

I walked on fire for Tony Robbins. Literally.

That line tends to catch people off guard when I say it out loud. But it's true. I was one of thousands, barefoot and buzzed with adrenaline, charging toward an imagined transformation. Firewalking, NLP certification, hypnotherapy training, journaling workshops, gratitude bootcamps, mindset rewiring retreats, I did it all. I read every bestseller from Wayne Dyer to Brené Brown. I listened to Tim Ferriss, Joe Dispenza, and Mel Robbins until I could quote them in my sleep. I’ve spent thousands of hours and tens of thousands of dollars on the global cult of self-help, trying to “fix” what I thought was wrong with me.

I was relentless in my quest to be “better.” But “better” is a moving target when you don’t know what game you’re playing.

And then, one day, decades into this journey, I got the news that changed everything.

I was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. In that moment, it wasn’t just a lightbulb moment. It was a nuclear revelation.

The Invisible Wall Between Me and “Better”

For most of my life, I had felt off. Different. Misaligned. I worked harder than anyone I knew, but still couldn’t meet expectations, mine or others’. I thought I was lazy, broken, self-sabotaging. No seminar or coaching program could quite reach the depths of what I couldn’t explain.

So I blamed myself. That’s the hidden poison inside the phrase “self-help.” When it doesn’t work, who’s left to blame but the “self”?

The truth is, I wasn’t broken. I was neurodivergent. My brain didn’t process information, emotion, motivation, or meaning in the way these programs assumed it should. The harder I tried to force my life into the mold that worked for neurotypicals, the more it cracked. And when it cracked, I spiraled into shame.

At Like Minds Alliance, we call this Self-Led Demand Avoidance: a state where your inner systems short-circuit because they’re overwhelmed by the shoulds that were never meant for your wiring.

Self-help, in its traditional form, doesn't just miss the mark for people like me—it can actively harm.

Reasons Why Traditional Self-Help Fails Autistic and ADHD Brains

1. Executive Dysfunction Isn’t Laziness Most self-help strategies assume you can “just do it.” But executive function, our brain’s ability to initiate, prioritize, and follow through is often impaired in neurodivergent individuals. Filling out a form, keeping appointments, even identifying what kind of help you need can feel impossible.

In my own life, I’ve missed years of mental health support because I couldn’t navigate systems designed for people who function differently than I do. It wasn’t for lack of trying, it was that the systems weren’t built for me.

2. Our Brains are Motivated by Different Currencies ADHD isn’t a deficit of attention, it’s a dysregulation of attention. I’m deeply motivated by interest, novelty, and urgency. Traditional therapy or long-term self-help goals often lack immediate feedback, which makes staying on track almost impossible. Without dopamine, motivation collapses.

3. We’re Taught to Climb Mountains Before We Know What Shoes to Wear Most self-help books aren't written for the neurodivergent. We’re often told to start routines, set goals, visualize our future, but without accommodations, these instructions feel more like punishment. I burned out over and over, not from lack of effort, but from attempting mountains in bare feet.

4. Rigid Routines Can Trigger Burnout The self-help world is obsessed with rigid habits: morning routines, cold plunges, gym schedules, keto meal preps. But neurodivergent people often need flexible structure. On days when sensory overwhelm, emotional dysregulation, or burnout hits, forcing the routine becomes a source of shame.

5. The Shame Spiral of “Failing” Self-Help I can’t count how many times I “failed” a challenge, 75 Hard, journaling for 30 days -- I even "failed" at Tony Robbins led coaching of all things... The neurotypical world doesn’t see the hundreds of micro-decisions and sensory inputs we’re navigating just to exist. When we “fail,” it’s not from lack of willpower, it’s the cost of being in survival mode.

6. We Take Things Literally Self-help is full of metaphors and hyperbole “manifest your dream body,” “set boundaries and live in peace,” “change your thoughts, change your life.” Autistic people tend to interpret things literally. So when our body doesn’t transform, when chaos still erupts despite boundaries, we assume we’ve done it wrong.

7. Self-Help Often Requires Masking Perhaps the cruelest irony of all is that self-help often encourages masking, performing neurotypical behaviors to fit in, succeed, or even just be accepted. I’ve masked to get jobs, fit into friend groups, even in therapy sessions. The cost? Internal dissonance, sensory exhaustion, identity confusion.

Why Peer Coaching, Not Self-Help, Changed My Life

That’s why I started Like Minds Alliance.

We are not a self-help program. We are a collective of peer coaches, people with lived experience of neurodivergence who’ve figured out what actually helps.

We don’t offer cookie-cutter routines. We offer a way to understand your brain. We start with neuroscience, genetics, and nutrition. We teach how dopamine works, what executive dysfunction really is, and how shame short-circuits progress. We show our clients how to work with their intensity, not against it.

Most importantly: we don't make your “self” the villain of your story.

You don’t need to walk on fire, journal your trauma into submission, or biohack your way to inner peace.

You need understanding, community, and tools that honor how your system works.

STTH: A New Kind of Self-Help

My new productivity mantra? STTH. Stop Trying Too Hard.

It’s not lazy. It’s strategic. For the neurodivergent mind, pushing harder often leads to shutdown. STTH reminds me to pause, reflect, and reset. It’s a way of rerouting from a shame spiral to a gentle detour.

We use STTH in our Like Minds coaching sessions to help people unhook from the frantic energy of fixing themselves and start listening to themselves instead.

You're Not Broken

If traditional self-help has failed you, maybe it's not because you failed. Maybe it's because you were never the target audience.

At Like Minds, we don’t teach you to become someone else, we teach you how to be yourself more effectively. With compassion. With science. With peers who understand.

Because the real revolution in self-help?

Is knowing that you don’t have to do it all by yourself.

David Wetherelt Founder - Like Minds Alliance, Special Projects - Autism Society San Diego

Visit www.likemindsalliance.org to learn more about peer coaching, neurodivergent wellness, and how to Stop Trying Too Hard—on purpose.